Well, for all to know. I’ll name the posts “Love. Part “ and a number… Just to keep track of how many posts I actually do post “to” the dearest one of all :)
I don’t know what you think of me stealing this picture from Facebook, but I really like it. And one thing that really makes me glad about this one is that the necklace I gave you, my nametag made from my mums and dads engagement rings is on it. It gives me so much hope and strength. Just to know that you’re wearing it. And I can tell you a little secret, or whatever I should call it, but the necklace you gave me, the silver chain, it’ll never ever be taken off, and the belt you gave me when we were visiting your lovely family, I’m wearing it even if I don’t need a belt. It might be viewed as an obsession, but I do it because it gives me strength. The strength I need when I feel down or am in a bad mood.
Today I’ve had a fantastic mood, right until I was on my way home. I didn’t want to get home. I want to get on the next train to you. Hold you so close to me and whisper in your ear that I’ll love you ‘till the end, the end of time.
I know for a fact that there are people that don’t believe me when I say that you are the one I want to spend my life with, and they don’t believe that you can love a person as much as I love you, and for them I am sorry. Either they’ve missed their chance or they haven’t had theirs yet. But I promise you, with all my black heart, that the feelings for you won’t fade away. They won’t. Never. Sure, I really can’t know that, but I know that for some reason it feels like the most proper thing to say as the feeling in my body is indescribable. It kind of aches, but not painfully, it burns in some weird kind of way. Really can’t describe it.
One thing that crossed my mind just now, I can’t believe how honest and well-behaved I’ve been the last few months. Don’t know if it has anything to do with you, but I realized that it was with you by my side I decided to tell my psychologist that I’ve stopped taking my medication, and that I’d start taking it again. I don’t know if you remember, but you followed me there, and well, she asked a lot about you, as I’d mentioned you a few times before, she was glad that I’d met you, because she thought you could be what I needed to “get going” and sort some things in my life out.
It feels weird to think back at the time before we met, because I wish I’d written to you so many times before. I can’t recall how many times I’ve signed on to MSN and seen that you were online, and thought that it would be nice to talk to you, but I never dared. I remember one thing that I feared. I feared that you’d forgotten who I was, and that’s a quite typical thing for me, as I’m always afraid of resurrecting old connections or friendships because of exactly that fear. Believe me. I can barely talk to my mums boyfriends brother, I always say “He’d probably forgotten me”. But back to topic. That was one thing I feared. Even though I can’t remember how we got in touch with each other in the first place, I’ve remembered how nice you were to talk to. Really can’t recall how we ended up not talking either. But at least we are now :)
I know I’ve mentioned you before here in my little blog as I have an old “Twiggyboll” tag. It’s almost a year ago, on the day. That post were from the 16th of March 2009. A while before I did something stupid. I actually kind of remember some of the things we talked about. I know it was when I was messing around with Wirran, during the time I was quite down because her way of acting. And you were there. Supporting me. Helping me keeping my mood up. I also remember that during that time I thought of you as one of the few I could talk to, about everything and anything. And I still do. But I won’t, you shouldn’t have to think about my trivial problems. Mum can help me with those. :D
To be honest, I really miss that time. What if we weren’t meant to be together yet? As you said, you want to sort your life out, and I have a few loose ends to tie together. Like my relationship with my father. My coming investigation and a few other things. It could be that this, this was meant to be when those things were done. Because there is no doubt in my mind when I say I’m meant for you. Not a single trace of doubt. But it could be that we tried to early. But that doesn’t matter as we’ve taken care of that issue ;) We could go back to the past relationship we had back then, but with one difference, I’ll tell you that I love you. And this time it’s my turn to be there for you!
Lisa, if you ever doubt on us or anything, please talk to me about it. I’ll talk to you about anything that I feel is necessary for you to know, that I can promise you.
Well, I feel like sketching, and THAT was a looong time ago I did something like that. To bad I think that my 2B, 4B and 6B pencils is in my old apartment, but I’ll look through the stuffs I’ve brought here so far.
Love and kisses, hugs and pinches to the one love I’ll hopefully spend the rest of my life with <3
Lisa Andersson <3
