Well, before anyone starts to read, I just want you to be prepared for my longest and hardest post to write. The time for starting to write is 02.38 and it would probably take like 15-20 minutes for me to finish. So now I’d better start.
There are a few things in life that come totally unpredictable, unprepared and without notice. One thing that certainly does is L-O-V-E ! The special thing about love is that it can appear in multiple shapes and forms. Like the love for your parent or parents, your first own pet, your best friend or first lover. Even though many of them is a pure, devoted and sincere love, they could all be replaced or perfectly destroyed. One love can’t be destroyed, and that’s the one that hits you harder than the pellets from a shotgun or a penny dropped from the top of the Eiffel Tower. There is nothing you would do to loose it and there is everything you would do to keep. It really is your everything. But that’s just in fairytales, right?
Well, for me it isn’t just in fairytales. For me it is a hard fact. A solid evidence of it’s own existence. The thing is that it took me quite a while to understand that it really, really was that kind of love. That pure essence of the most unpredictable emotion. I really don’t remember when I first noticed the effect you had on me, your words, your entire existence, the only thing I know is that for almost the entire time I was to afraid to say anything, I was unsure, uncertain of me and my emotions. I barely dared to write to you, as you probably noticed, and as I’ve mentioned a few times for you.
When I finally dared, it was you who took the first step. And I didn’t even notice you were actually taking a first step. I just passed it down with everyone else’s desperate or unserious comments. But there it started. With just a few words you erased the fear, but not the uncertainty. That was actually today. But that will come later. As we spoke more and more I felt this need to be with you, and you probably sensed the same, and by each nightfall it was stronger. And then, actually noticed, I was threatened by a friend of mine with a knife. And who helped me to keep my head straight? You did ! And from that day until the past Thursday, we saw each other as couple. A happy couple. I saw us as THE happiest couple of all. (Just my two cents thou). But the past Thursday, you told me something I first couldn’t swallow, I couldn’t stand it. But I did, for you. You wanted me to wait for you to be ready for a relationship. My first thought, honestly it was that you was to cowardice to tell me straight to my face that you really didn’t want me. And that fear I felt back then, it lingered in the back of my mind until tonight.
Because of the fight that arose tonight, really don’t care what caused it, but the fear that I’d actually had ruined every chance of getting you back got me thinking. And I never think I’ve used that much of my brain before. Just the feeling of it made my eyes tear and my hand shake. The most horrific fear I’ve ever felt. And I’ve been in quite some scary shit. Just the feeling would have sent me down Suicide Lane a few months earlier. But what did I do? I stood against it, took all my fear and turned it into energy, just to make you understand that I wouldn’t leave you for anyone. To tell you that losing you would be losing my point in life. My sole purpose. And I realized that the feeling I had wasn’t fear, the aching in my heart and veins wasn’t pain, it was love, the purest form of love. So painful, yet so energizing. And how glad I am that it came in that moment. As now I’ve lost the uncertainty I had. I’ll wait, right here for you. And in the meanwhile I can focus on studies or whatever, without the disturbance of temporary lovers, those that come and go. Because I know, that when you are ready, you’ll come back to me. And that moment is what I long for more than anything.
I hope that you realize how important you are to me, my love.
Without you, there would be no me.
And this is my way of giving myself up to you, as much as possible right now.
Lisa Andersson, I am yours, yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever.
The future is not staked, but it’ll be what we make of it, together. <3
Well, it took more than the 15-20 minutes I thought it would. It took about an hour, yet it felt like just the blink of an eye. So I guess these “loveletters” to the love of my life will be my way of making the time pass by while I wait. My nightly obsession. And you can be sure, I’ll be waiting, because how much my heart ever would ache, I now know that it isn’t pain, it’s pure, devoted, sincere and unquestionable love, just for you. <3
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