Today

At the moment I'm in the kitchen making me some sandwiches. Which btw just got finished in the microwave oven. So I'll eat now and continue to type this in a sec.

(eating sandwiches)

Done eating now... Laying in my bed with just one thing crossing my mind, the name of one specific person that I for some reason can't live without. She lightens my days and brings so much joy and happiness into my otherwise gray and dull life. In my eyes she's really a fallen angel, not just because I love her, because she's made me into a much greater and better person. I've gotten healthier, nicer and I put more guts into sorting my life out and the problems involved. I've even gotten more hygienic xD She's an angel, just accept it. And no matter what I'll love her until the day I stop breathing. There is something special about her that makes me feel that she's really the one for me. I can't explain it, but I can really feel it.
Well... Shouldn't type so much more, just a small poem or whatever you'd call it, and it's for my dear Emelie <3

I've never fallen this deep and hard,
Many times I've thought so,
But I realize those times has just been scratching the surface.
This pond, this lake, filled with chances,
Which there is only one I'd like to catch.
That chance is a girl, for which I've fallen this deep and hard.
I start to tremble by her beauty,
Those eyes in which I can see a future,
And in her, only her, I can see myself as a father,
The thing I've never thought I'd long for, but I now do.
And what is love if it isn't the possibility to see a bright and clear future with that person?
If that ain't love, then love ain't what I seek.

Regards:

The last days...

The last few days have been wonderful!
Don't know what I wrote last time and I can't check as my Internet is down ATM. And this will be posted as soon as I get to school tomorrow.

Anyhow, I got together with my dear Emelie again :D Best thing that has happened to me as I really do love her! So no more single life for me ;)

And during the Friday, I was at a private band party, which I'm glad that I visited. A guy in one of the bands wanted to hear my inhale scream and guess what, he friggin' liked it :D AWESOME !!!

Yesterday, Saturday, I spent with a few friends until my girl arrived :P Then spent the rest of the day with her :) Totally awesome ! And today, sunday, I've spent mostly with Emelie, but later on we met Ewwe and Case :) Had a nice time with them down at the lake :)

Now I've watched Ghost in the Shell, weird anime but kinda cool :)

Well, got to sleep now as I'm going up early, in about 8 hours.

Kisses to Emelie<3, Ewwe, Case, Speedy, Sandy, Bergarn, Becca, Bexx, Tobbe and those who think they deserve it ;)

Regards:

Today…

Was a really good day in school. The anxious feeling went away today. About first thing this morning was that Linus in my class, who was walking a bit in front of me from the train, stopped and started to talk to me :P And then when we came to class he, Timmy and the foreigner, whose name I’ve forgotten kept each other company most of the day :) Really nice dudes :) I even felt comfortable enough to talk in class with the whole class listening :O SURPRICE OR WHAT !? I think this could go really well :)

And after school I got company by two girls, don’t really remember their names (bad with names) and we talked a bit until the train got to Jönköping :P And you want to know one thing? I started to talk to one of them first :O I asked Josefin (I think it was her name) if she knew if there was any train going to Jönköping as I’d seen her on the train the same morning. And I found out that there was a train going that had me home about an hour earlier than I thought :D AWESOME !!!

And some news about this with Emelie… We had an argue earlier today but it’s been sorted out kinda. And at the moment we’re discussing how to make a second try. And to be honest, I think it could actually be a bit better than our first try… I honesty think so, so I really hope that there’ll be a second try. *a while later* Sorry for the interruption, but… I got a text from her with just a few words that got me crying… Tears of joy. She told me she missed to have me beside her, holding her… And if there is anything I want to do, that’s it ! I’m so happy right now that I could run outside and scream all I can… That happy !

I feel a good ending coming up on this story, this story of my life…!

Regards:

Good Night People !

Hello all you readers ;)

Feeling quite okey at the moment. Been texting with Emelie today, and it seems like it will all work out good. At least that's what I hope, but I won’t put my hopes up high. She’s a bit uncertain of how she is feeling I guess. And to be honest, I’m a bit uncertain of how to do if she want us to get back together. I’ve had a policy that I’d never get back with an ex, but for the third time in my life, I’m actually a bit prepared to do it. But I don’t know for sure yet. I mean, how could it ever get back to what we had? How could it ever be the same? Even thou I feel for her like I felt before, how can I be sure she doesn’t just want to get back together to avoid being alone, if that’s even possible with that look and personality, but anyway. I doubt it could be the same but I really want that back, the chemistry we had, the time we shared. It was something truly extraordinaire if you ask me. I think that I’ll be taking the risk of being hurt again just to make sure I won’t miss a chance to get that back. But we’ll see. We’re supposed to meet tomorrow and talk about it. Let’s see how that goes.

Began school yesterday, awesome! But I feel a bit nervous about the fact that I don’t know a soul there. And to be honest I’m actually beginning to think I have some social problem. If no one’s starting to talk with me, I can’t talk. I don’t dare to initiate a conversation if I’m all alone. I need my friends around… I hate that. I want to be able to take initiative, to make connections all by myself… That’s going to be the topic of the next session with my psychologist. Definitively! Oh, and you’re so welcome to call me a coward or anything like that, but I can’t do anything about it. I’ve been pushed away from so many people I’ve tried to connect with during the years that I’ve become afraid of taking the first step…

Stayed home today because of two reasons mainly, I overslept and I had to try to get some money for my bus card so I could get there AND home. Managed to borrow 200:- of my mother tonight. That’s good :)

Now I’m going to sleep so I can get up in the morning. About 6 hours left until I have to wake up.

Love and kisses to those who matter to me, I sure hope you do know who you are ! If you’re not, then here I’ll list most of you!
Ewwe, Speedy, Sandy, Natta, Becca, Bexx, Bergarn, Hassna, Emelie, Henke, Sabrina, Annelie, Jennifer (sis), Jessie (sis), and of course my mother :)

Regards:

Hello hello !

A few hours after the last post, Emelie dumped me. So now I’’m on the Swedish Meatmarket again (A) ;)

Since then I’ve been drinking, partying and drinking more ;)

At the moment I’m watching 3 of my mothers dogs, and Ewwe and Natta is here :) Ewwe is checking out some sites and I’m currently typing this :D Natta is sleeping in the sofa ;) Cute :D

Tonight I’ll probably watch a film with Natta and just chill. Ewwe is going home in a few hours :( Thats bad :(

Well, during this time, I’ve come to know a few nice people :) Sandra (Sandy in the bloglist to the right), Karro, Jonna, Luullie and Natta :) Well, I’ve knew who she was since a while back, but never really spoken with her, sadly, but that’s about to be made up for :D

Now I’ve got to be a little bit more social with Ewwe :) And I’m acctually longing for Natta to wake up (A) TeeHee :)
Oh, and Ewwe will probably do a guest appearence here soon (A)

Regards:

Regrets...

I totally regret the mistake I did today...
I wasn't angry or annoyed, I was sad, that's all. And now, even thou you tell me it's okey, I can't find anyway to make it up to you... I hope you know how sorry I am for making you believe that I was angry or annoyed... I don't even know how to become angry at you, just love you to god damn much <3 I hope you'll forgive me and allow me to make it up to you!
I really do love you, you know! <3<3<3

Regards:

Fuck this...

If I don't get a new medication soon I'll get crazier than I already am...
Can't stan this... I can feel the difference so clear. And I don't want to be like this.

I'm going to sleep now, and I'll sleep until I feel better...

Regards:

Jerk...

Sorry... I've been a total jerk to doubt that you love me... I'm really sorry honey<3
Just that that is one of the things that scare me the most, you leaving me... It would kill me inside-out...

I hope that you know my dear, that I want to spend the coming years with you, no one else... Just you ! And if I ever change my mind I promise to let you know, trust me on that one!

Love you Emelie, more than you could ever imagine <3

Regards:

Anata no naka ni, watashi o korosu ushinau

At the moment I wish I was someone totally different...
My mind and temper is messing me up, awfully much...

I doubt what I know and what I can do. I doubt in myself.
But I know that much of it is because all effects of my medication has whored off.
I'm back to the short-tempered, stupid and annoyed person which has a serious problem with trusting people. And even thou I know it's just because of it, I can't ignore it or anything...

Well, a doc is going to call me today and we'll discuss a new medication, probably Concerta or Ritalin.

Well fuck this now...

Honey... Anata no naka ni, watashi o korosu ushinau <3

Regards:

Not good...

Now I've spent almost 2 hours out in the rain... Thinking. Trying not to worry... But how can I not worry. You're not feeling good, not at all, and you don't want to tell me. Of course I worry. I love you.
Don't know what I should do, but at least I want to do something. Something to make you feel better. Told you you should have stayed here and not to go home, because if you would have stayed I would've hold you tight the whole night, telling you how much I love you an how much I care.

I hope you really do know that it doesn't matter what it's about, you still can talk to me, I'll listen, I'll always do.

Emelie Eng, I love you so much there is no way for me to describe it to you. I really do. There are things with you that I value more than anything, things with us. There are thoughts you've given me, and I'm so glad that someone has been able to give me those thought as I've never been able to imagine me do anything of it. Never thought I would either. But I really want to do these things with you, you, you and only you!

Regards: