And here I am again. Writing about what matters most to me.
Lisa, I really love you, so much so it aches in every inch of my body by just thinking of you. But this post, it’ll be about something else than you. Things I have to get out of my system, in any way. But remember, I’ll always be thinking of you, no matter how much it aches. Because when the night come to tuck everyone in, I know, I can feel it in every cell of my body, I love you. No matter what. And I’ll be laying awake for a while, hugging that striped pillow, and wish it was you <3 This picture is from the last night I saw you. And how wonderful it was to be walking the dogs with you and your family. I really like them. They seem nice. And I can’t hide, I’m a bit jealous. Your father cares about you. I’ve never had one. He haven’t cared about me for real during my entire life. When I was admitted to the psychology ward in Jönköping and later in Eksjö, and I told him what had happened, his answer was “And you tell me this because?”… During that time i had friends that really was there for me, helped me, and without a selected few, I think I wouldn’t had been released as early as I was. They even doubted on letting me go as it was. But I do understand them. With both police and ambulance on scene. Naturally they doubt. And with the thoughts I had back then. Every time I was in the shower or did anything related to water I just thought that it would be a quick and painless way out. 10 seconds of the same feeling as when you take a deep breath with ice-cold air. How painless isn’t that? Well, at least most of my self-destructive thoughts are gone. For ever I hope. Just the future could tell.
I really don’t know what to write, but I know that there is a lot in the back of my head. Things I need to get out, things I wish I had that perfect friend back for. The friend that turned her back on me, after years of the greatest friendship I’ve ever had. It still hurts. And it doesn’t help to know that you’ve moved far away and barely have your phone turned on. Wish you were back here. I miss those times together. I often do. It didn’t matter how sad neither of us was, together we always made each other laugh. To bad that it is history. But it had to end sometime, didn’t it? And to those who say that they could be that friend to me. There is no way you can replace that friendship. There was a special bond between me and her from day one. I can’t explain it, but it was there. And twice we did the mistake of thinking it was love. But we realized it wasn’t. And there are a lot, and I mean a lot of things she know about me, that I can’t tell any one, ever. And there are a lot I know about her. And I won’t tell that either.
Before I came back down here I lived about three years in Eskilstuna. Three years I miss, three years I could live without. Because up there my life went crazy. I did many mistakes that have lead me to the life I live today. I was fragile, emotionally fragile, I still am, but I have more confident now. I’ve realized that it doesn’t matter what people think, just do what you think are the proper things to do. But back there… When we moved up, it wasn’t because of any normal or rational reason. My beloved grandfather had just died. My mum inherited the house my grandfather and his father had build, the house my mother grew up in. So we moved from a relatively nice life in Myresjö to a messed up one in Eskilstuna. We were four people and three dogs living in a 2 room house with a little cabin (10 square meters, where I had my bedroom) and there we tried to make a life. I went to a new school (as many times before) with new people. And I thought it might be my time to become popular. As I’ve never been that guy with many friends to hang out with. I’ve been the one to hang out with the other outcasts that didn’t have any friends either. And that taught me a lot. Don’t judge a person by the looks. Get to know them before you make a judgment. And well, up there, I tried to get popular, get a girlfriend, as anyone else. The difference was, I wasn’t interested in a temporary relationship, I’ve never been and never will. I’ve always tried to get to know a person beforehand. And with the experience I had with the “outcasts” I wasn’t one of those that was mean towards them. As a matter of fact, I just stood there. I’m ashamed of that, but I did. But later I became friend with a few of them, and my “popular" friends” didn’t like that. So after awhile, once again I was one of the outcasts. And that’s just for caring. And it got worse. As the 7th grade came towards an end I had like three people to talk to. Three people that were supposed to be my friends, and one of them was, back there. He is the only one I actually came up to visit a few years back. But now we’ve lost contact. And one of them I’ve began to talk to again, but if it hadn’t been because facebook we probably never would have. And the third of them, I really doesn’t know what happened to him. By the start of the 8th grade mum had rented the house out and we’ve moved into town, living in an apartment in Skiftinge. And my thoughts about that was like how on earth would I make friends there when every one was speaking in a language I’d never would understand. And the school, I hated it. As usually, I became an outcast. Had three friends there to. Rori, Theresa and Emma, They were the only ones I had to spend time with, during school. During the other time I had no one else than my little sister and her friends. But mostly I tried to be able to get away and meet with the old friends. And after a while I fell in love with Rori, she had a personality that I really liked. But as always when it comes to girls, I had no luck. It basically ruined our friendship. But during that half year in the school there, I got threatened, beaten and picked on, and she was by my side, as I was on hers. So it was still a friend to trust. But near the Christmas holiday, one in my class stuck a glue gun tip with approximately 200 degrees Celsius on my hand, leaving an open wound. And my teacher laughing. As a reflex I almost stuck the tip of my glue gun in her right eye. I remember it like it was yesterday. And after a dispute between my mother, the principal and my teacher it got reported to the police. And their response: “She’s already in care of by the social office”. So nothing happened, and it actually wouldn’t have anyway. As everyone hated me more after the principal reported it to the police. And even thou everyone saw what she did, none of them would testify against her. Bad luck? What else. So when the Christmas holiday was over I was back in my old school again, even thou it was almost an hour long bus ride to get there. And things were a bit better. But then we moved into an other apartment. Don’t remember why. But we did. And by that time I had got a weekend home, or what ever it is called, to go to instead of my father as we didn’t have any contact. And for a while things were really good. I’d met at least three new friends in town. I remember all of them so well, and I miss them to. Sofia, Mikaela and Cizzi :) Me, Sofia and Mickaela went to the bus station and got on the next bus that arrived, followed it all the way to the end. And who lived close by to the end? Mikaelas grandmother. So we went there for awhile and after that we decided to walk into town again. And to get there we had to climb on the side of a bridge that crossed a river, as there was no sidewalk over it, but I understand why as it was connected to the highway. But there we was, like 50 meters over the water, and only had like a 50 centimeter wide edge to walk on. We were crazy, and none of us really cared about ourselves. We did a lot crazy things like that during the time I lived there. But then for some reason I can’t remember I tried to hang myself in the cord to my bass, and I would have made it if my teacher hadn’t called home and wanted to talk to me. But about 10 centimeters over the floor, mum open the door, throws the phone away and rips the whole thing from the ceiling. And I was placed in a foster home as she didn’t feel good herself. And my foster home, I didn’t like it at all. She was working during the nights, and left ME to take care of her two sons, even thou she knew what I had done. And she was so protective that everything was dangerous, in her eyes. The cell phone was supposed to be turned off if you wasn’t expecting a call. And she complained about me listening to music with my headphones as there were a “dangerous” amount of radiation. And computers and TV, a maximum of one hour a day. So there I lost the two things that gave me the strength needed to get through everyday. So I couldn’t stand being there. Started to invite friends over to party when she was at work and her sons were at their dads house. I took quite a lot of the alcohol that was available and made quite a mess. So then I was placed to live at my weekend home. An alone Finnish old guy. With extreme problems with relations of any kind. But I didn’t notice that until I was placed there. He also had some alcohol problems and problems with the connection with his own two kids. And they wanted me to live with that dude? Well, I didn’t have any choice. But during the time I lived there, I got a relatively stable connection with my father, and after about a year of both physical and mental abuse I ran away to my father. I had tried to convince both of my psychologists and my contacts at the social office about how he treated me, and I had both my father and my former best friend to prove it, as they’d been with me on the phone a few times when he’d started to beat me. But I could, COULD have caused the wounds by myself. They did nothing. So, I ran. I told my psychologists, my contacts and my mother that I was just going to see him during my summer vacation 2005. So I left, but never got back. Both a wise choice and a mistake.
Sorry, but I don’t have the energy to continue right now. I’m tired and I’m quite down by thinking of all this. I can’t really grasp that I, a caring and mostly nice person could have been through this. Sometimes I’ve even doubted my memories, but people, like my former best friend, have reminded me of how it was.
But I need to sleep now so I’ll pick up where I left of tomorrow… If i have the strength…
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